Episode 49: Authenticity is the New Vulnerability

[00:00:00] What in life deserves our time and attention, and what things don't? I hope that as we consider that question, along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones - "Authenticity is the New Vulnerability."

I don't like the word vulnerability. To me, it strikes [00:00:30] a tone of weakness. I think I understand what people are getting at when they say that we need to be vulnerable. The problem with vulnerability is that the word actually means that you are susceptible in some way to an attack from someone or something.

I think they use this word because exposing to people what you truly think or feel does indeed give people opportunities to point out what they don't like. Clearly, the best defense to avoid [00:01:00] people's negative opinions of you is to not show them anything. It works like a charm. The only problem is that you will likely feel trapped and no one will even know who you really are.

When a person is unprepared to be totally authentic with the world, they are indeed vulnerable. And when people see what you truly think and feel, some of those people will undoubtedly have negative reactions, and you will undoubtedly be hurt by them. [00:01:30] The thing we need to strive for, as I see it, is not to be vulnerable, but to be capable of being authentic without being too affected by the negative attention you will receive for it sometimes.

One way I can tell if a person is not prepared to be authentic is when they feel the need to announce that they're being vulnerable. It's almost like they're seeking outside validation. When [00:02:00] a person posts something sensitive on social media and tells you that they're feeling really vulnerable, it comes across as more of a cry for help than evidence of growth.

There may be a place for vulnerability in so much as it gives you some exposure therapy so that maybe someday the negativity will not affect you, but I don't believe that's the right goal. Authenticity is the goal. Authenticity is the place that we go to find freedom from the prisons that we [00:02:30] trap ourselves in.

Imagine what it might be like to be in a room with total strangers, in pitch black. What would you say or do with total anonymity? How would you behave? Would it be different than if you were in a room with the lights on? I read about an experiment where they did exactly that. I would reference it if I could remember where I read it, but feel free to comment if you know what experiment I'm talking about and who did it.

[00:03:00] Apparently, when it was done, one of the participants loved it so much they tried to offer money to go back in. Reaching a place of total authenticity is that same kind of freedom. Just imagine becoming so immune to the negative reactions of others that you could literally feel comfortable doing anything and saying anything.

If you care so much about what people are going to think, if you tell them the truth, maybe you shouldn't. Maybe a [00:03:30] better use of your time would be to figure out why you care in the first place. Once you have freed yourself from that, you can just be authentic, and it won't even matter if people hate you because you don't care about people that don't like you.

I'm aware that I personally have less inhibitions than most people I know, but even still, there are so many areas in my life where I cannot bring myself to be fully authentic without strong feelings of vulnerability. Like, [00:04:00] learning a new skill. It's incredibly painful, even now, for me to walk into a class and be the worst one in there.

I still feel completely embarrassed every time. For some events, I will simply not go if I have to go alone because I feel too exposed. So in my own case, I like to imagine this nirvana that total authenticity can provide. I dream of what it might be like to walk into someplace totally unfamiliar and to feel completely at [00:04:30] ease.

A person with this kind of freedom could walk into a group of strangers, dressed like a clown, and still have a good time. A truly authentic person is not doing things to fill the emptiness inside of them with attention and they are not afraid in the slightest of being any more or any less than what they actually are in a given moment.

All people crave both to be authentic as well as to be with authentic people. It [00:05:00] is possibly the most important pursuit in our life, to find our way to authenticity. We absolutely need it. For all of the talk about finding people that like us for who we really are. We sure spend a lot of time hiding it from people.

We wait for years sometimes before we feel close enough to a person to share some of that authenticity. And the people we waited so long to draw close to may or may not like what they see when it's finally shown to them. But we need to [00:05:30] be seen, or we feel like we don't exist whatsoever. Sharing what we really think and feel about things, at least to some people, is kind of a necessity.

Stuffing all of our insecurities and fears away in perpetuity is kind of like shaking a soda. We may be functional on the outside, but if the can is cracked even a little, we're going to make a mess. We're here on Earth one way or another, so why shouldn't we make an effort to at least exist in it? [00:06:00] If we are being anything other than authentic, then how are we being anything at all?

We are no more than a fictional character, if that's the case, and people are hardwired not just to have a desire to be authentic, but to seek it out in others. We want to be with authentic people because we can see them. We crave truth, and we crave reality. No one truly wants to have a relationship with a fictional character.

They are [00:06:30] hoping that there are people in the world that authentically are those fictional characters that they love from stories. The problem with keeping our mask on is that it is never as good as the real thing. And people have an incredible capacity to see through those masks over time. If you can become truly authentic and if you can find your way to other truly authentic people, you have finally Found a way to actually exist and to interact with a world that is not fictional.[00:07:00] 

We too often hide that authentic version of ourselves due to the minority of people that will not like it. But living in existence where some people don't like you only means that you are real. If you aren't being authentic then people will simply never see you and may not like you anyway. So we really have nothing to lose.

And the world to gain in the pursuit of authenticity. The hardest point of that journey is the beginning. 'cause people don't like change. They [00:07:30] like their world to remain stable and predictable, but given time you'll become much more real to them and they will either accept or reject you, which is a good thing because it means for possibly the first time ever you have given them something to form an opinion on.

None of us aspire to be hated or disliked. But we are so keyed into negative attention that we allow our fear of even a small portion of it to keep us from ever doing what it takes to get [00:08:00] authentic, positive attention. What you really are, and what you really think, and what you really feel does not need to be advertised, but it should never be hidden.

You will be exposed to the world, but does that really matter if what is being exposed has the strength to withstand it? This is Skipping Stones. You can find this podcast Authenticity is the New Vulnerability" anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts. For more information about me, feel free to [00:08:30] visit skippingstonesr.com And if you enjoyed the show, please like or subscribe.

If there is a topic you would like me to speak on, please feel free to email me at t info@skippingstonessr.com. New episodes will be released weekly every Monday.