Episode 12: The Heart and the Head Should be Friends

[00:00:00] Seth: What in life deserves our time and attention, and what things don't? I hope that as we consider that question, along with other topics on this show, that we can all learn to live our lives just a little more intentionally. This is Seth Roberts. Thanks for joining me on Skipping Stones.

Do you ever feel something strongly, but you ignore it because it doesn't make sense? Or how often do you ignore what makes sense because you actually don't? feel a certain way about it. We have these two really different, super opinionated forces inside of ourselves that I think we can safely refer to as our hearts and our heads.

And it just does not make sense to me to allow them to be fighting all the time. So how can we make the heart and the head work together? As a man that's lived with these two internal factions warring for most of his life, I'm deeply invested in figuring this one out. And as I sit here, talking to you about this, I still don't know that I actually know the answer, but I have a feeling that it's somewhere.

So what made me start thinking about this was, I recently found out that I might get involved in a lawsuit. Now I'm not totally unfamiliar with court cases, and so I know more or less what's likely to happen, but And what possibly could happen and what possibly couldn't happen, you know, part of what makes them so hard is they're, you don't really know and you don't really know what damage you're going to take until the thing is settled or it's gone to court and it's been dealt with there.

And the part that kills me about all of this is In order to prove yourself correct, you have to oftentimes spend more money than what's even at stake. And so it just, a lot of times businesses, they just settle because it doesn't really matter who's right or wrong, nobody can afford it. And there's a lot of bad actors, they'll, they'll take advantage of that.

So the process is brutal and it usually leaves all of the parties bitter. So even though I've been through this before, it still doesn't stop my stomach from dropping. And so, recently when this happened, I, I just, My heart was telling me that the world was falling apart. But my mind knows more or less what to expect.

And it knows that things will be alright. But the heart's unruly. It doesn't seem to care if you make sense. And it hates the unknown. And it doesn't like being told what to do. A heart is almost like that inner child, and even though it may be part of you, it is a separate and distinct part of you, and it responds best when you treat it as such, in my experience.

That inner child is totally unrestrained, it's ecstatic, or it's miserable. The difference is that it doesn't ever learn to be quiet, ever. Our head learns to take over, and it keeps that child in check more or less, but it doesn't make it go away. And that child is going to make you feel the pain somewhere if you try to stuff it down.

Maybe you'll lose all motivation. Maybe you'll feel so agitated that you bark at anyone that gets too close to you. It's going to find a way to be heard, even if you put it in a timeout. So we all effectively have this child inside of us, and it's effectively glued to our shoulders. And it's not going to stop talking.

See, the reason children Learn to become more behaved. It's because their head comes into the picture. It takes some control over the body and it says quiet down, heart. But the heart's still there and the heart's still gonna be yelling and shouting inside. So how can you make the head and the heart be friends when the head is the one constantly trying to push the heart away?

Trying to keep it quiet. Well, in my experience with children, if you want to calm them down, if you want to help them get past whatever thing it is that's bothering them, you listen to the child. You let the child feel like it had its say. If necessary, and in the case of your heart, if necessary, you give it access to your voice, or you give it access to a pen.

You let it talk until it's blue in the face and you don't try to tell it it's wrong. Maybe every now and again you challenge it with a thoughtful question, or you let it My daughter once said it to me best when I was trying to tell her that she wasn't making any sense. She, she just was so upset over something completely silly in my mind and she turns to me and she says, Dad, I just need to feel my feelings.

And you know what? She's absolutely right. She does. And she did. And, and, and I understood. And that's, that's the way I think we just have to deal with, with that heart, that unrestrained heart that's yelling and screaming and is afraid and is terrified. You It's all right to be sad, to be terrified, to feel guilty, to be mad, to feel broken.

I don't know why it's necessary, but the more we experience, the less that child reacts. See, unlike our head, it doesn't learn by reason, but by experience. And that's why people that have never gone through anything in their life, Their heart doesn't know what to do with it. They haven't experienced hard things.

And so, as much as we hate it, the more hard things we've been through, the more educated our heart becomes. The head, on the other hand, it's not a child, but it's ruthless. And it's uncaring. And it would likely never doubt itself if it wasn't for the heart reacting to it. A bad decision from time to time.

The head may make more sense, but it's less human than our heart. It doesn't require love, it doesn't require friendship, it doesn't need attention, it just doesn't want to be bored. Without the heart, the head is hardly more than a computer. What the head can do, though, is it can comfort the heart. And if it doesn't want to be distracted by too many emotions, it will take the effort required to do that.

It has the capacity to guide our hearts to reason, and it has the potential to guide the heart to a place where it can feel more joy than pain. And I think that's generally the goal in life, because we're going to feel pain. We're gonna feel joy, but if we can get that balance of joy a little higher than the balance of pain, then we're in good shape.

See, the sole purpose of the head is to promote the welfare and the happiness of the heart. It shouldn't be the ruler over your emotions, but rather the protector of them. See, ups and downs are going to happen no matter what you do in your life. Without pain, we would not know joy. The rollercoaster of life that we ride is painful, but it's a hell of a ride.

I hate my life sometimes, because I'm terrified. I get sad. I get broken. But when I hit those highs, it makes it all worth it. And I often think that sometimes the secret to happiness is simply learning not to take those highs for granted. And that is where the head can really help the heart Get through hard times.

See, your world may be crashing, but even on those days, you can still count on the sun rising again in the morning, and another day is always a blessing. The heart deserves to be protected, and the head deserves to be admired. If your heart and your head are not working together, I don't think you're living to your fullest.

Reconcile the two, and be whole. If your head likes to behave like mine, Let it give up its position as dictator and allow it to embrace the role of protector and enjoy the life you have, for better or for worse. The child inside of you is capable of pure joy. It's also capable of abject terror. It's empathetic.

It can even be vengeful and angry. Just let those waves wash over you and the storm will pass. See, the head is almost like a ball of Boat, sailing the emotions of your heart. And so our goal is to become a better sailor. There's this song that keeps on coming to mind from the, the, the old musical Oklahoma.

And there's a, there's a line in one of those songs that says the farmer and the cowman should be friends. And it addresses the silly rivalry between the farmers and the ranchers. And it points out how both of them depend on each other. And, you know, our heart and our head are the same. We wouldn't be us without both of them, and they depend on each other.

The heart is foolish, and the head doesn't feel, but together they're something special. So I still don't know if I've found the answer to the question of how to reconcile the heart and the head. But I feel like I'm close This is skipping stones, you can find this podcast anywhere you choose to listen to podcasts for more information about me Feel free to visit skippingstonessr.com And if you enjoyed the show, please like or subscribe If there is a topic you would like me to speak on please feel free to email me at At info at skipping stones, sr. com. New episodes will be released weekly every Monday.