Episode 18: We choose our identity until we find out who we are

[00:00:00] Seth: I once had an interview with a company years ago. I was trying to get on with the large commercial property developer. If you do well with those companies, you can sometimes get opportunities to take a cut of ownership and developments if you happen to be involved in making the deal happen. And if you just so happen to be building a 50 million shopping center, just a teeny tiny percentage of that can really add up.

I remember I went to some coffee sandwich shop to meet one of the partners with this company. Anyways, what I recall about that meeting was that when this guy walked in, I was impressed. There's something about him that had a kind of confident, masculine swagger that made him look like he was on top of the world.

I remember he was dressed pretty casually, but he stood up straight and he just looked like a winner. In that moment, I knew that was who I wanted to be, or some version of that. I realized later that I began to mimic what I perceived from that guy because I just admired the look. It was an identity that I adopted to varying levels of success, but that's neither here nor there.

In high school and even college, you can, you'll see people trying on these different identities, almost like clothing. It's almost like a glove. You know, high school movies showcasing this by highlighting the wildly different groups of students on campus. You got the jocks, the cheerleaders, the theater kids, the band kids, the goth kids, the student body, the emo kids, the potheads, the Barbies, and the Kens.

I think we all fall into these categories, especially when we're young, because we're looking to feel accepted somewhere. But just as often, it's because we're inspired by somebody. In one of those groups that we admire. Maybe that kid that dresses up like a squirrel did it so confidently and it was nice enough to you that you started to kind of like the idea.

When I was in high school, I must've looked like an idiot. Cause I remember one of the people that I mimicked was just. One of the stupidest fictional characters. It was none other than Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow. I was just so enamored with his cavalier lifestyle and how funny he was, and I just, I wanted to be that person.

I remember trying to imitate the thing he did with his hands where he kind of like holds him out funny and like, I just, it was really stupid. No one really said, no one ever said anything, so apparently I, I pulled it off to some degree, but I was just so drawn to it. It was such an exciting film, the adventure, the water, the, just how funny he was.

And anyways, I had a decent amount of friends in high school. And like I said, no one seemed to really mind it, but later in my life, it became painfully clear to me that I was not this happy go lucky carefree kind of person. I remember the moment I realized it. So for my undergrad, I studied Arabic and as part of that program, there's a mandatory study abroad to the Middle East.

And so we went to Jordan and I recall my friends all telling me stuff like, Oh, you're going to end up living with the Bedouins, or Seth, you'll probably. He'll probably wind up doing something crazy while we're all over there. And, and I understand why they thought those things. I cultivated that persona.

That's precisely who I believed I was. I thought I was this carefree adventure seeking. I don't know. Story from a movie. That's who I thought I was. Well, I wasn't that guy. And as it turns out, it was actually my roommate. He was that guy. I would have never have pegged him to be that guy, but while he would randomly end up getting caught up riding horseback on the banks of the Dead Sea with a bunch of random Arab dudes in the middle of the night, to whom he could barely communicate, I'd be sitting in our apartment worrying about why he didn't follow the curfew.

I love that guy, by the way. He was who I thought I was, and who I wanted to be at that time in my life, but seeing him be the person I thought I was made it crystal clear to me that Even if I wanted the identity that I was trying to adopt, it wasn't a good fit. It was the wrong size. Because it turns out, even though I love to laugh, I love to make jokes, I'm a lot more serious than I ever realized.

And I'm way more of a rule follower than I ever imagined. I think there is such a thing as It's the authentic you that exists regardless of whatever identity you put on. And finding an identity is more like finding a glove that fits. But there's lots of gloves out there that could potentially be a good fit.

And so it's worth putting some thought into who you want to be like, because that process of discovering who you are without the glove kind of requires you to put those gloves on. We can present ourselves to the world in a thousand different ways, and you may think this is irrelevant to you, but I guarantee that even if you're not thinking hard about it, you've still chosen some kind of a persona or an identity that steers you in your life.

I remember as a kid, indifference was, it was almost kind of cool. And I still think people feel that way somewhat, because, see, indifference allows a person a kind of superiority over all the silly people that actually care about things. Because, if you don't care about anything, it's just incredibly easy to make fun of anybody that does care about something.

And it's effectively impossible for anyone to tear down what you care about because you don't care about anything. So I kind of felt like showing up to school in hardly more than pajamas was, was this kind of intentional neglect. And it was a way, it almost seemed like a way for a lot of kids to attempt some amount of status in their life.

It was a way to show people that you were brave enough not to care what they thought, but in spite of all that indifference, it was painfully clear that they did care. Because they Made such an effort to not pay attention. It was kind of kind of weird that way. And you know, there's a certain appeal to some identities that are arguably unhealthy to us.

I mean, I can remember admiring the kind of indifference that a lot of the stoners had to everything. I liked how funny everybody thought they were. And in another life I could absolutely see myself developing some bad habits, trying to imitate that lifestyle. But we have more than just bad choices. See, I pursued a life of adventure when I was younger, and that probably wasn't all that suited to me then, but identifying as an adventure seeker wasn't such a bad thing for me.

I had adventures that I would never take back. I learned about myself in the process. It was a good identity to have that pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I'm older now, and as much as I was influenced by seeing someone that I wanted to be like all those years ago, I am still changing, and I'm still trying on those different gloves.

Albeit they're less extreme, I like to think that eventually we find the glove that fits us best, and through that process of discovery, that glove begins to fit so well that it's like it's not even there. Today, I can't say that I care so much anymore whether or not I identify as a winner. That too was good for me.

I can see a different future for myself now than I did, and maybe once again it will change at some point in the future. I think it's worth taking a look around and seeing who in your life is someone you would like to be like, and trying to be more like them. And if their version of a glove is a bad fit for you, then look for another one.

But just make sure that you're looking for an identity that's going to move you closer to what you want out of life.